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Fruit Abomination

August 26, 2011

By the thrice be-shitten shroud of Lazurus, what is a Crazy Apple and why does it exist?  A display of these … things…was placed prominently in the front of the produce section of a nearby Schnucks.  In fact, they the very first thing I saw upon entering the store.  It was as if some spiteful produce floor manager woke up one morning and thought, “Apox on ye parents. Thou shalt not get five paces into the store before your urchins begin tormenting you with demands for this fruit abomination.”

The Crazy Apples website is entertaining. From their frequently asked questions page:

The flavor’s on the INSIDE? How do you do that?  Don’t worry your Crazy Apple wasn’t poked, prodded, pierced, punctured or otherwise harmed to get the flavor inside.  We can’t tell you exactly how we do it, but we can tell you that the magic doesn’t compromise a Crazy Apple’s wholesome start as a crisp, fresh apple.

Are Crazy Apples healthy? What about added sugar or preservatives? Eating a Crazy Apples [yes, they wrote Crazy Apples] is just as healthy as eating a regular apple.  A Crazy Apple has the same calories, nutrients and fiber as a regular apple.  See the Nutrition Facts for complete info.  We NEVER add extra sugar, calories or preservatives. Crazy Apples are also free of soy, nuts, dairy and gluten.  The only thing we add is 100% natural, zero calorie flavorings and a wallop of fun.”

Mysterious additives!!! Wallops of fun!!  How can I resist?!?!  Oh, I’ll find a way.

PS In addition to tropical blast and pomegranate grape, you can also enjoy a bubble gum flavored Crazy Apple.

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